Bears on the Road... Naming What Is!
Sometimes a conversation isn't going well. Something's wrong. You often don't even know exactly what, but there's a problem somewhere. What do you do when you sense something's wrong?
- Your client asks you to complete an assignment within two weeks, and you cannot immediately prove it, but you sense that you will need more time.
- You are in discussions with a client for a new assignment, and you feel that the client's expectations are unrealistically high.
- A colleague misses their appointment again. Apologies follow, but you're worried about whether they'll actually handle it, and you need their input for your work.
- A manager tells you about a project, and somehow you get the impression that she isn't saying exactly what she means.
If you sense something is about to go wrong, you're likely right. But how do you handle these situations effectively in a conversation? The pitfall is that you don't immediately know what to say or how to say it. And the longer you wait to respond, the harder it seems to come back.
Our advice in such situations is (almost) always: Identify what's happening. If something's going on, say so. It sounds perfectly logical, and it is. But people don't always do what's logical. Sometimes they're hindered by limiting beliefs, such as:
- I better not let sleeping dogs lie.
- The other person will probably find me rude.
- If I say now that it won't work, I don't have any hard arguments, that's not professional.
- I'd better think carefully about what's going on first and then contact you again later.
- there is a misunderstanding;
- there is indeed a problem, but that you can solve it together;
- there is indeed a problem, and you are not going to get out of it.
In all three of these situations, the sooner you discuss it, the more effective it is. But how do you tell someone? Most people are naturally inclined to be cautious with clients, bosses, customers, and colleagues in these kinds of situations. However, being cautious doesn't help. While it's crucial to be careful, that's a different story. The key to communication is to explain what's going on in an ego-friendly way.
We propose the following approach.
- Step 1: Feel what's going on.
- Step 2: Say what's going on.
- Step 3: COW – Silence. Jaws clenched.
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Step 4: Check if the penny has dropped.
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Step 5: Moving forward together.
Feel for yourself what's going on. Much more often than you might think, it's not about the content, but about the relationship or emotion.
A colleague was supposed to order A4-sized sleeves for you. You've already asked twice where they are. You ask a third time, and your colleague apologizes for being so busy. The underlying issue is: you haven't received your sleeves yet, and that's annoying. But you're more affected by the relationship and the emotional side of things. You're angry at your colleague for not keeping their appointment and not informing you.
Emotions are essential for decision-making. They work faster than thinking. For example, in a clothing store, you intuitively sense whether or not you can trust a salesperson. Only later can you consider the reasons for this. The part of our brain that signals "Beware, danger" works quickly. You sense in your body that something is wrong. For some people, that's a feeling in their stomach; for others, it's a tight throat or sweaty hands.
It works the same way in conversations. When "danger" threatens, you sense it. Something's wrong, even if you might not know exactly what yet. But somewhere, you sense something's going wrong. You notice it when you're explaining the same thing more than two or three times. Or when your voice becomes faster and higher-pitched, or when your breathing increases.
You often don't know what's going on yet, but you do know that something is. Is the other person expecting something unrealistic? Are you implicitly promising something you can't keep? Is there a hidden agenda?
By listening to your intuition, you'll discover what's going on. That sometimes takes time. What often helps is moving and literally taking a step back. Sometimes you can't find a solution during the conversation itself, but you only realize the next day where the uncomfortable feeling originated.
And even if you have an uncomfortable feeling but don't yet know what it is, you can mention it. Often, you'll find out what's going on during the conversation.
- I’m struggling with something…
- There’s something not right with me…
- I notice myself feeling tense…
- I feel like you expect more than I can deliver…
- I feel like there's something else I need to know…
- I can’t finish it in two weeks…
Now the next step: COW (Close Jaws). Give the other person the time they need to process your message and respond. Sit back a bit; this can help prevent you from talking too much.
Four seconds is usually enough. It's perfectly normal, however, for those four seconds to seem like a long time the first few times you do this. If the other person still hasn't said anything after four seconds, and you can't hold back any longer, ask something like, "What should we do now?" In most cases, you'll discuss the situation at this point. This will help you become aware of what's happening and allow you to decide how to proceed.
It seems simple, and in fact, it is. But it does take practice.
Usually, you'll notice and don't need to ask. Sometimes, the other person doesn't recognize the problem, or they continue to believe they can't do anything about it, or that it's just the way it is. In that case, repeat step 2. Many people find that if you repeat the sentence from step two a maximum of three times, your conversation partner understands that there's a problem. Occasionally, that doesn't work; in that case, it's time to go back to step 1. Reassess your own perspective on this new situation, and if you can't get through to the other person.
If the other person recognizes the problem, you can work together toward a possible solution. And make agreements about it. Sometimes it also means there's no solution; in that case, just know that and you can deal with it.
Tips for Naming What Is (BWI)
- At first, BWI feels a little strange. That's normal.
- Experience shows that BWI can quickly lead to significant gains in building trust.
- For others, BWI often feels less awkward than it does for you.
- You don't need to know exactly what's going on to say something is wrong. You don't even need to know the solution yet.
- Be careful not to be too cautious. Be careful, though.
- You can use BWI for both large and small topics. By addressing the smaller topics, you can often prevent larger, more intense issues from arising.
- Sometimes (often) you're tempted not to say what's happening. After all, it's often not the best news. Remember, it's even more frustrating to wait a few weeks for bad news.
- If you notice people aren't paying attention to your genuine concerns, it's important to look at how you're addressing what's important. Your warnings might come across as overly preachy. Because if you do address what's important regularly, but in a less effective way, others might perceive you as a whiner or a nitpicker.
- BWI is often good for the relationship and the emotional bank account, because you take the other person very seriously.
We all make decisions that don't work out well sometimes. Or make good decisions that, due to a changing world, don't work out that way. The trick is to identify what's not working as quickly as possible and then determine the best solution. The best organizations don't make fewer mistakes; they just deal with their mistakes better. And in this process, a trusted advisor who dares to Identify What Is essential.
This article was written by Jan Willem van den Brink and Maarten van Os from DreamfactoryIt's based on a chapter from our book Client Satisfied – From content expert to advisory partner.
If you wish to use it, we would greatly appreciate attribution.
Want to know more about this topic or how we can help your organization? Email or call us at 0348-741670.